It's done

I enrolled Sam in full time preschool/day care.

I've been feeling very constrained lately. It seems as though if I want to do something I need to plan it three weeks in advance with Ben and if he wants to do something he just drops everything, including work, and does it. My work is flexible but not that flexible so I can't just take "me" time from my already limited work time. I'm the default parent and I understand that I'll always be the primary care giver but after awhile the assumption that I will be there at Ben's whim turn into resentment and that doesn't help me, or Sam, in the least.

Sam has been happy at school lately and that helps assuage the guilt a bit but it still feels as though I'm taking me time at the expense of Sam time. But I also know that when we're home he's often bored and impatient. I believe that some boredom is good for him so he can learn to entertain himself but his boredom often turns into misery for me. And then I dream of being able to exercise without having to stop because he just dumped a gallon of milk on the floor or fell down the steps and needs a band aid to stop the bleeding. It would be nice to be able to do a task without having to turn around and fix what he's destroyed (or built) while I've been doing that task. He can be helpful sometimes and I encourage that when possible but there are times I'd like to spend four continuous hours in the garden and no kid has an attention span that long.

I don't intend to work full time or to send him to daycare full time. I need to up my work time a bit to pay for the daycare but I also intend to increase my flexibility so I can take on more interesting work projects but still have some time at home where I can sit in the sun and read a book. I'm hoping Sam averages four days or fewer at daycare but I want to be able to determine which days or half days we spend together depending on what's happening at home, at work, and with the weather.

I'm incredibly fortunate to have the option to do this. It's something I'll revisit if I find that Sam's having trouble adjusting or is unhappy and I always have the option of dropping back to three days. And if Sam shows signs of being bored with the place as we get near the end of the school year maybe we'll drop back and spend more time outside enjoying the summer. I'm playing this by ear as much as I can.

So what did I do with my first extra day of daycare? I spent the entire day in a work meeting. Shouldn't it have been a day in the sun with a good book?