Useless kitchen items 101

My friend Kimberly and I were wandering the halls of a big discount store this weekend and stumbled our way into the kitchen section. They had the basics but they also had a whole bunch of stuff that made me think that people are searching for oddball unitaskers to fill their monster kitchens in their starter castles because I can find no other need for these items. Please explain why you would want any of the items shown below.

This all started when we noticed this thing on the shelf. The purpose was not apparent at first glance and even after reading the box, we still didn't understand why anyone would need a s'more maker for the microwave oven. I've microwaved marshmallows and they make an impressively huge puff and then sink back down after they explode. Very fun to do and why ruin a good thing with a big gadget?

The microwave section is just full of useless items. For instance this potato baker. When we want to make a microwave baked potato we put the potato in the oven and press the button for baked potato. Well, we do poke it a few times with a fork first because cleaning the microwave isn't a high priority item for me. I realize this is a very complex series of events but I suspect that anyone could learn this sequence with a little practice.

And an egg boiler? For the microwave? It holds up to four eggs! Very exciting. Let's see, you can do a whole pot of boiled eggs in a pan on the stove in probably about the same amount of time it would take to do four in the microwave. What is the advantage of cooking them in the microwave? And if you're really pressed for time and want eggs may I suggest scrambling them?

And yet another specialized microwave tool! Throw away your bowls because this pasta maker HAS to be better, right? I wonder with the BPA content of this item. Oh wait, I could cook pasta in the exact same pan I used for boiled eggs but then my cabinets wouldn't be full and I'd have to fill them with, er, food or something.

Every now and then I find I would really like an egg sandwich so I plop an english muffin or some toast into the toaster, plop a couple of pieces of bacon in a pan and after those are done I fry up an egg in the bacon grease. Oh, and I toss a slice of cheese on the egg after I flip it to maximize the cholesterol. But life would be so much easier with this microwave breakfast sandwich maker. Except, er, no time to add cheese. And what if I want the egg a shape other than round? And what if I didn't want to put meat on it at all? If I didn't put meat in this sandwich maker would it turn and spit on me? But isn't it nice that it's yellow to match the eggs? And are eggs really so complex to cook that you need not one but two specialized egg cooking gadgets?

But not all goofy things are limited to the microwave. Sometimes it's all about labor saving devices. I'm sure this little thing is right up there with the convenience of a washing machine, you know, for laundry. I know that I struggle and struggle to open my bottle of wine. Those corks, such difficult little devils. Since I drink at least twenty bottles of wine a day this comes in handy after the first three when the corkscrew becomes a dangerous weapon.

Actually, once I get to that point I should just start drinking beer so it's not as dangerous. Look! My own beer tap thingy! Only $200 or so to have one of my very own. Even better, it limits the brands of beer I can have because it fits only certain kegs! I get to pay for the privilege of drinking mediocre beer!

And now that I'm very drunk, I'm back to having trouble with coordination so now I need the Vidalia Chop Wizard. At first I thought it was limited to chopping onions in strange and inappropriate sizes but apparently you may use it for other vegetables too. Oh, you have to cut the vegetable to fit it in the chopper before chopping, how handy. That takes what? A knife? A simple elegant one piece item that cuts more than just veggies and can double as a cardboard cutter when Sam gets a bee in his bonnet to make a robot head out of cardboard and foil. Let's see you do that Chop Wizard!

Then there are the amusing concept items. First off, a slider maker. Have you ever eaten a slider? From what's that place? Oh, White Castle. Disgusting. But now you can get your own unitasker to make them at home! And it's an "As Seen on TV" item because that always makes it even better! It's not useless if you saw it on TV, right?

Now, Kimberly and I were losing interest but we did manage to find one last item. Pancake puffs! Wow! Wait, er, wouldn't these be called muffins? And couldn't these be made in a muffin tin that might also be used for cupcakes? Or are these made on the stove? Is that why they're different? If you want to cook something like this on the stove could it be done in a nice buttered cast iron skillet? No, of course not!